so when are you going to get pregnant again?

sigh.

very few people ask if i plan to get pregnant again. it is always when. based on the number of people who have asked me in the last 3 months, i get the sense it ought to be soon. i know i am supposed to be selfless and all, but when i hear that question, i rephrase it in my mind: "when are you going to blow up to the size of a porpoise, pop some vericose veins, add on some more stretch marks, and piss yourself everytime you laugh or cough?" or better yet, "when are you going to lose all sex drive, not be allowed to drink alcohol nor eat sushi, have to put all of your sassy new clothes in storage, feel a sense of rage for all non pregnant skinny bitches, and throw-up for 12 weeks straight?"

"hmmmm, soon i guess?"

getting pregnant not only requires me to have sex, but does require some planning. it goes something like this:

me: "hubby how about next month?"

hubby: "we have 2 weddings and your foot cyst surgery"

me: "right, i'd say the month after next, but we have our yearly romantic get-a-away and the big [insert friend's name here] birthday party. i was planning to get pretty wrecked at that."

hubby: "ok, so the month after that"

me: "naw, getting my hair dyed -- made that appointment with francoise jean louis six months ago"

hubby: "yea, let's figure it out during our next family meeting"

me: "k"

so for all of you wondering, "when is kate gonna get preggers again?" -- you'll know when i have roots.