Tuesday, October 20, 2009

if i made stews i would be a real person

Recently, I have begun to believe that I am the most boring person on earth. As a mom, wife, and 9-5er, I felt comforted in knowing that I was expected not to have a life, interests, hobbies, etc. Work, babies, hubby filled my time -- I couldn't possibly round myself out with anything more than a dreamy, illicit cover-to-cover US Weekly read.

I find solace in knowing I am far to busy with day-to-day life to be anything but apathetic in my free time (hahahaha, what "free" time, right fellow family gals/guys??).... right? Understandably, I fraternize with a legion of folks in the same boat. Or do I?

Now I have begun to believe I have been lied too. All those comrades who bitch and moan that they "have no life" and are so boring are l-i-a-r-s.

They make stews.

They boil their rice in chicken broth....NOT WATER. They have chili cook-offs with their Connecticut friends. They cook in-bone ox tail....just as an experiment. Something they saw in an obscure foodie blog. Fuck.

These "commiserate-ers" don't just have time to make stew...nay, they also have the wherewithal to pick the freshest ingredients (even writing that phrase irks me), throw "whatever works" into a pot, and to allow it to simmer for a good long time while they add spices. spicesss...plural. The real kick in the labia? Their house then smells like grandma's house in the dead of winter. Ugh. These are the same people who claim they are just gettin' by. People who make stews are interesting....and liars.

Oh, and there is more. These same people have blogs. Blogs they update....regularly. Tripped out blogs with cool fonts and professional-like flickr pics.

They write pithy, spot-the-fuck-on Facebook updates.

They read. Books. Lots of them. Cool, Smart people books. And blog about them. While the stew is cooking. Fuck.

They tweet links to causes they support "hey - my friend who designs sustainable art installations in her studio gallery in Bushwick has begun a foundation that feeds purple orphaned baby muskrats in the trees of [insert country I have NEVER heard of]."

Fuck. And why aren't these stew cookers supporting mainstream causes talked about on Oprah...? Oh, is it that they are too busy "not having a life" to watch Oprah.

They read the NYTimes Style section.

They take ironic videos of their kids and post them on YouTube.

They fund raise for their kid's school.

They vote in primaries.

They go to exhibits (the boyfriend's brother of the Bushwick artisit/world saver).

They make their kids halloween costumes. (they say they don't but the do!)

The pick pumpkins in fields, carve them, and toast the pumpkin seeds for a snack later.

Wait.

I do that, I do that!

....shit.....

I don't do that, my hubby does.

I just eat them.

i love you, but how f******* hard is it...? (installment #1)
















...to throw your socks in the hamper after use?
(a sampler)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Levi

Over/under on how long before Levi breaks his engagement to Bristol? I'll take the under on 6 months.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I mean DAMNNNN!

why when there are 5+ stalls in a bathroom (all of them EMPTY) does a woman come and sit in the one right next to you?

and then busts ass.

logged as pet peeve #672.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A Theory

I have a theory that whatever image (or lack thereof) is on your desktop is the true lens into your soul. I have tropical, deserted island scene with clear water and 3 single palm trees. My soul is:
  • Hot
  • Uninhabitable
  • Sparse
  • Void of reality
  • ...and yet still alluring

Reader, i ask you: are you a tropical, deserted island or a moonscape? are you a grassy knoll or a wintry wonderland...?

(dang. i need a hobby. or less work.)

did i mention...

...in this utopia of a company i work for, our building is home to about a dozen modelling agencies....one of whom is NEXT door to our office. Day after day 14-18 year old leggy, doe-eyed models line the halls. as i pass them i can feel their envy, their longing, their admiration. all i can do is shoot them an empathetic look that says "hey, don't despair kiddo -- you too can end your torment as an objectified beauty, get saddle bags, cellulite, and a job as a middle manager. keep working at it and all that your see before you can be yours...maybe even the title 'Engagement Director' like me. maybe. no promises, just a goal kiddo....just a goal."