in response to my buddy, xmastime...

...who responded to my "things that piss me off" post:


1. people who cut you off (in a car) and don't do the obligatory hand wave



XMASTIME: I don’t like the obligatory hand wave; it tells me the person was aware of what they’re doing. I like to think that to have the gall to cut me off, they must’ve been driving shitfaced. “BETTER fucking be drunk!” I’ll say as I see a beer can fly out the window.

To be clear, Xmastime's window.



2. Holding the door open for people who then briskly walk through without so much as a 'thank you.

XMASTIME: I don’t know this one. Nobody breezes into a building I’m holding the door open to without asking if I live in the building, who do I know in the building, do I have somewhere else to go, etc. You may know these people as “cops.”

I said "briskly". If they were "breezing" I would have had enough time to say, "hey bro, can you move it along?"



3. cops (unless they are stripping or singing)

XMASTIME: Those are the ones.

Sooo, you hold doors in buildings for breezy people who are naked and singing?



4. big toe hair (do i shave it?)

XMASTIME: Yes, a cameltoe joke writes itself here, but like I said the LF is a friend of mine and I respect her, so you won’t be getting the joke here. Though as usual you “Xmas Insiders” who are paid up through this month may email me for the riff I would’ve used (Platinum Members – your Fleshlights should’ve arrived in the mail by now, contact me if they haven’t.)

joke? camel toes are no joke. unless paired with ankle pegged acid washed jeans.



5. muffin tops

XMASTIME: If this is a tasty euphemism for “fat chicks”, I’m with you here. (also tasty: “fat fucking pigs.” Mmmmm.)

it's not.



6. weavers (people who walk painfully slow and weave in and out of your path as you attempt to pass...."hurry it up grandma!")

XMASTIME: ah, you Motherfuckers on the Sidewalk. It happens EVERY FUCKING TIME I LEAVE MY HOUSE. But especially if I’m running just a liiiiiiiittle late and kinda wanna book it to the train; this is when the “Total Fuckwad Bat-Signal” goes out and people swarm the sidewalk to slow me down. But it’s not the number of people, it’s how they somehow cleverly fill up the sidewalk JUST enough so I can’t pass them. They’ll spread out 3 or 4 wide, seemingly passable, slooooooowly dithering along as I’m bobbing and weaving behind them, looking for a hole. Four hipster motherfuckers looking around like it’s the first time they’ve ever seen bricks and windows, and I’ve gotta be fucking Gale Sayers to get by them. They’re really brilliant – I try to go left and they JUUUUUUUUUST ease over to the left so I can’t get by. At any step I’m perfectly, geometrically hemmed in by any combination of trees, garbage, cars and fuckwads. Unreal. The hand signals these people must have. “He’s going right!! Use the Happy Hour sign to cut him off!” Takes 20 minutes to walk two blocks, and by then I’ve actually walked about 18 miles, darting back and forth left and right trying to pass these motherfuckers. Unreal. Bravo, fuckwads.You super-fans (read: horny sluts!) may recall this from here.Ooooh stealing from myself; how Fogerty! So fucking sue me, I need the publicity.

enough said.


really.


7. the term 'bro'



XMASTIME:



"Cowboy up"



8. delivery folks who don't bother to buzz even though you are home and purposefully waiting for the gotdamn package.


XMASTIME: What are you doing at home during the day? Jesus Christ, do you white people fucking work?


Flummoxed. What exactly does the manny/blogger/video auteur do all day?



9. nyc bus driving

XMASTIME: Really? When do you find yourself driving a bus in NYC? Do you live in a Die Hard movie?


No, Speed. And Keanu loves my camel toe.



10. bikers who scream "share the road!" and then cut you off to run a red light (see item 1)


XMASTIME: I’m with you there, bikers are fucking worthless. “The devil’s oven mitts”, one may say.



One may



11. people who get in the elevator ahead of you and HAVE to push their floor button at the expense of anyone getting on in a timely manner, then standing directly in front of the button panel as you attempt to make your selection all the while acting disgruntled by your need to reach around them to select a floor. fuckers.


XMASTIME: I like these people; if it’s a woman, it gives me a chance to “accidentally” hit some chest fat while trying to punch my floor button. If it’s a man, I just close my eyes and hope it’s only fat.


or breezy naked cops.




12. cellulite


XMASTIME: Is it me, or is it ironic that the last 4 letters in “cellulite” are “lite”? Who comes up with these names? Cruel fucker! (tho prolly not a fat ass)


no. it's really not funny. it's bullshit is what it is.



13. bugaboos


XMASTIME: Those things do suck. Christ, look at it – where the fuck do you put your empties? No thanks.


or one hitters.



14. bugaboo moms

XMASTIME: Oh, I’ll still do them if(in) I(the) can.


You'd first have to remove the pole.




15. the fact that i can't afford a bugaboo


XMASTIME: So you’re unemployed, poor, and drive a bus around the city for fun.


No, I would just rather spend my money on me.



16. the olive garden commercial where the "grandson" treats his "grandfather" to a meal. "grandfather" doesn't look a day over 46.


XMASTIME: Maybe “grandma” was a cum-guzzling town slut of a whore and got knocked up at 15? I dunno why, but that just reminded me of the fact that the last date I ever went on with my first girlfriend was at the Olive Garden. Interesting.


Betty Vaughn still talks about it.




17. golf umbrellas used as everyday city umbrellas. not the problem. the fact they DON'T THINK TO LIFT IT ABOVE YOUR HEAD or move around you as they "share the sidewalk" is a problem. assholes.


XMASTIME: Sorry, but if you know the difference between a “golf umbrella” and an “everyday city umbrella,” you might be a bit of an asshole. :(18. not getting my US Weekly delivered in a timely manner (every Thursday mr/mrs postperson!!!)That, I'm on board with.


i meant In Touch.



19. street spitters


XMASTIME: Better than sidewalk nose-blowers. All trumped, of course, by chicks who take umbrage cause I’m looking at their tits to read their t-shirt that reads “CRAZY 4 (picture of a chicken)” Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Grandma!!


What?




20. Baked Lays....you get 3 chips to a bag. fraudulent.Ugh.


XMASTIME: These baked fucking things, they taste like wood. Without the flavor. The only thing worse than 3 baked chips is 4 - like another dick in your own bedroom, it’s always one too many.


Unless it's mine.