bulbous

for the first time in my life, i have started to really consider the possibility of cosmetic surgery. maybe it's the thirty something "why when i finish smiling is there a circle around my mouth?" lament. i have always preached my adamant belief in the post child bearing tummy tuck and boob lift. i look forward to the day when i can simply eat pancakes and muffin tops rather than wear them. i am saving up for that day.

it's the less obvious things that are surprisingly bothersome (here is where i should mention that i am incredibly self critical...nay, vain...though oddly vain about some things and not others like toe nails, upper lip, or roots.....but, i digress).  i am obsessed with the hollows of my eyes and the wrinkles forming in b/w them. 

[readers: one silver lining > remind me to tell you the story of my perfect internal viscera]

in fact, there was a spell where i was convinced i had a double chin (my bro happily concurred with my concern at the time, so naturally i blame him for all of my insecurities... and my penchant for eating mass amounts of strawberry pop tarts under the cloak of darkness. but whatevs). 

 

not too long ago, my vanity got some much needed gratification when i got a bit of a pay raise. money i had set aside for... oh, i don't know... my lil peanut's education, the mortgage, or savings had somehow become re-branded as my "self preservation fund". i think i may have  explained my spending rationale to my hubby by stating something along the lines of "sheeeet, i earned that money. it's miiiiine. i should use it any way i damn well puhlease" followed by 2 finger snaps delivered in a circular fashion. so, with his roll of the eyes, i happily found myself consulting with a top surgeon a couple weeks ago about restylane (a filler) to fill out my eyes and refresh the skin (zip it those who know me).

at the start of the consultation, the oddly long island-esque top doc asked me a slew o' questions about my self perception. i kept it light and cracked a couple jokes. chirp, chirp. "nothing major, just a 'refreshment'." blah, blah, blah. could i BE more uncomfortable? just when i thought it could not get any worse, he preps me for his assessment of my features. he agrees (cha ching) with my desire to "refresh" my face with maybe some injections around the eyes...yadda yadda. however, he has some additional thoughts. without a seconds hesitation, he says, "well clearly your nose does not fit your face." my perfect jaw ( he did give me that at least) drops. 

he continues, "it has a bulbaceous quality that diminishes your other features." and yes "bulbaceous" is a word, cause i looked up immediately following the comfort eating binge post office visit. he doesn't even break a smile. all business. he's right mind you, but the nose was like 9 items down on the list of concerns (the fact that i have a penis even beat it out, being #5 on the list). 

 the rainmaker that he is, however, had no qualms calling it out. so naturally he lured my weak, insecure self into a software consultation. essentially, he takes pics and shows you a surgery-simulated before and after screen shot using a fancy pants software program. 

[pause]

next pay raise i will have a new nose. 

....and possibly be facing single motherhood. [sigh]

stay tuned about the injections. might divert my funds to operation: "bulbaceous removal". ok, now back to watching discovery health: "surgery before and after"....and eating a strawberry pop tart.