office viddles update

yesterday evening: cheese plate with assorted meats, water with sliced lemons. elegantly laid out in the kitchen. meant for subtle grazing. i scarfed. in process knocked over the nicely laid out carlsberg bottles ready for recycling pick-up.

lunch today: saw folks setting up a b-b-q buffet in the main loft space. assume it is for fancy pants client. nope. for us. reactions around me are blase(!). i almost pissed myself in excitement. mac & cheese, pulled pork, corn bread, chili, and all the fixin's. water with sliced cucumbers.

toonces.

1999?

party people. i apologize for my radio silence, but i have been busy....starting a new job is all!! aside from the irritable bowel i have managed to tame with copious amounts of imodium (for another post: "imodium: can an over-the-counter product ever be nominated for the Nobel?"), i have thus far settled in nicely. i have to admit however, i am waiting for reality to set in.....

the new agency that employs me is smallish - about 100. we are all happily communing in a large, light-filled open loft that overlooks the DUMBO bridge. there are three conference rooms with fresh tulips (really). the conference rooms are named: justin, britney, and paris (really). the accent color of the company logo/brand is hot pink (think t-mobile) with accents of dark gray (it works). the handbook states that dress is "comfortable and confident." that's me. upon my arrival my desk was adorned in treats of gourmet chocolate. maternity leave policy? don't have one yet....have not had a need thus far. the week b/w xmas and new years is always off (unless there is pending client work -- i mean, we do work). the kitchen is stocked every monday with bananas, trail mix, granola bars, and some big mounds of fresh green grapes. there is an espresso maker. i can, on occasion, hear the squeals of children playing outside in the dumbo park. little doggies follow their owners around the office so long as they stay out of every one's way and don't bark, piss, or crap. in early may there is a company-wide field trip to MOMA. there is an email address, "offtopic@xyzcompany.com where you can email such things like, "who's up for a beer at superfine -- be there at 6pm", or "check out this amazing new google app blah blah blah", or "soccer today! meet at the park after work". the best part of it all? we have work. and LOTS of it. folks here work their butts off, are completely grounded from what I can tell so far, and all of this oddly 1999 agency stuff seems effortless.

i would enjoy these things more if i weren't at the client or in meetings in one of our three pop star named conference rooms. but i gotta say....this place is earnest. i can guarantee i will not be hearing any "ad guy phrases"....but then I haven't worked closely yet with any of the Creatives...we may be in for a green M&Ms only in my dressing room treat......but somehow i think it will be mounds of grapes...and they are for everyone.

bulbous

for the first time in my life, i have started to really consider the possibility of cosmetic surgery. maybe it's the thirty something "why when i finish smiling is there a circle around my mouth?" lament. i have always preached my adamant belief in the post child bearing tummy tuck and boob lift. i look forward to the day when i can simply eat pancakes and muffin tops rather than wear them. i am saving up for that day.

it's the less obvious things that are surprisingly bothersome (here is where i should mention that i am incredibly self critical...nay, vain...though oddly vain about some things and not others like toe nails, upper lip, or roots.....but, i digress).  i am obsessed with the hollows of my eyes and the wrinkles forming in b/w them. 

[readers: one silver lining > remind me to tell you the story of my perfect internal viscera]

in fact, there was a spell where i was convinced i had a double chin (my bro happily concurred with my concern at the time, so naturally i blame him for all of my insecurities... and my penchant for eating mass amounts of strawberry pop tarts under the cloak of darkness. but whatevs). 

 

not too long ago, my vanity got some much needed gratification when i got a bit of a pay raise. money i had set aside for... oh, i don't know... my lil peanut's education, the mortgage, or savings had somehow become re-branded as my "self preservation fund". i think i may have  explained my spending rationale to my hubby by stating something along the lines of "sheeeet, i earned that money. it's miiiiine. i should use it any way i damn well puhlease" followed by 2 finger snaps delivered in a circular fashion. so, with his roll of the eyes, i happily found myself consulting with a top surgeon a couple weeks ago about restylane (a filler) to fill out my eyes and refresh the skin (zip it those who know me).

at the start of the consultation, the oddly long island-esque top doc asked me a slew o' questions about my self perception. i kept it light and cracked a couple jokes. chirp, chirp. "nothing major, just a 'refreshment'." blah, blah, blah. could i BE more uncomfortable? just when i thought it could not get any worse, he preps me for his assessment of my features. he agrees (cha ching) with my desire to "refresh" my face with maybe some injections around the eyes...yadda yadda. however, he has some additional thoughts. without a seconds hesitation, he says, "well clearly your nose does not fit your face." my perfect jaw ( he did give me that at least) drops. 

he continues, "it has a bulbaceous quality that diminishes your other features." and yes "bulbaceous" is a word, cause i looked up immediately following the comfort eating binge post office visit. he doesn't even break a smile. all business. he's right mind you, but the nose was like 9 items down on the list of concerns (the fact that i have a penis even beat it out, being #5 on the list). 

 the rainmaker that he is, however, had no qualms calling it out. so naturally he lured my weak, insecure self into a software consultation. essentially, he takes pics and shows you a surgery-simulated before and after screen shot using a fancy pants software program. 

[pause]

next pay raise i will have a new nose. 

....and possibly be facing single motherhood. [sigh]

stay tuned about the injections. might divert my funds to operation: "bulbaceous removal". ok, now back to watching discovery health: "surgery before and after"....and eating a strawberry pop tart.