Recently, I have begun to believe that I am the most boring person on earth. As a mom, wife, and 9-5er, I felt comforted in knowing that I was expected not to have a life, interests, hobbies, etc. Work, babies, hubby filled my time -- I couldn't possibly round myself out with anything more than a dreamy, illicit cover-to-cover US Weekly read.
I find solace in knowing I am far to busy with day-to-day life to be anything but apathetic in my free time (hahahaha, what "free" time, right fellow family gals/guys??).... right? Understandably, I fraternize with a legion of folks in the same boat. Or do I?
Now I have begun to believe I have been lied too. All those comrades who bitch and moan that they "have no life" and are so boring are l-i-a-r-s.
They make stews.
They boil their rice in chicken broth....NOT WATER. They have chili cook-offs with their Connecticut friends. They cook in-bone ox tail....just as an experiment. Something they saw in an obscure foodie blog. Fuck.
These "commiserate-ers" don't just have time to make stew...nay, they also have the wherewithal to pick the freshest ingredients (even writing that phrase irks me), throw "whatever works" into a pot, and to allow it to simmer for a good long time while they add spices. spicesss...plural. The real kick in the labia? Their house then smells like grandma's house in the dead of winter. Ugh. These are the same people who claim they are just gettin' by. People who make stews are interesting....and liars.
Oh, and there is more. These same people have blogs. Blogs they update....regularly. Tripped out blogs with cool fonts and professional-like flickr pics.
They write pithy, spot-the-fuck-on Facebook updates.
They read. Books. Lots of them. Cool, Smart people books. And blog about them. While the stew is cooking. Fuck.
They tweet links to causes they support "hey - my friend who designs sustainable art installations in her studio gallery in Bushwick has begun a foundation that feeds purple orphaned baby muskrats in the trees of [insert country I have NEVER heard of]."
Fuck. And why aren't these stew cookers supporting mainstream causes talked about on Oprah...? Oh, is it that they are too busy "not having a life" to watch Oprah.
They read the NYTimes Style section.
They take ironic videos of their kids and post them on YouTube.
They fund raise for their kid's school.
They vote in primaries.
They go to exhibits (the boyfriend's brother of the Bushwick artisit/world saver).
They make their kids halloween costumes. (they say they don't but the do!)
The pick pumpkins in fields, carve them, and toast the pumpkin seeds for a snack later.
Wait.
I do that, I do that!
....shit.....
I don't do that, my hubby does.
I just eat them.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
i love you, but how f******* hard is it...? (installment #1)
...to throw your socks in the hamper after use?
(a sampler)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
did i mention...
...in this utopia of a company i work for, our building is home to about a dozen modelling agencies....one of whom is NEXT door to our office. Day after day 14-18 year old leggy, doe-eyed models line the halls. as i pass them i can feel their envy, their longing, their admiration. all i can do is shoot them an empathetic look that says "hey, don't despair kiddo -- you too can end your torment as an objectified beauty, get saddle bags, cellulite, and a job as a middle manager. keep working at it and all that your see before you can be yours...maybe even the title 'Engagement Director' like me. maybe. no promises, just a goal kiddo....just a goal."
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
sigh
it has been a while people (xmastime - need more free publicity here...). much has happened over the last several weeks. for the 2 readers i have left, an update:
we bought a new car! traded in the 1994 honda passport for a newer version. i am officially a suburban mom who drives her gas guzzling honda pilot (yes playah hatahs it does have leather interior) to and from work, the grocery store, and ikea. frankly, i find the whole business erotic.
we bought a new car! traded in the 1994 honda passport for a newer version. i am officially a suburban mom who drives her gas guzzling honda pilot (yes playah hatahs it does have leather interior) to and from work, the grocery store, and ikea. frankly, i find the whole business erotic.
lil peanut has taken to pointing out the color of people's skin. the scene: getting blood drawn at a LabCorps in Bklyn; sitting in waiting room. an indian man sits across from us. "look mommy, a black man!" ummmmm. yea. well at least he does not discriminate - the white folks get quite the shout out too. sweet. i am an incompetent, racist mother. who finds eroticism in being suburban.
we have officially started on lil peanut #2 (and no i will still bite your head off if you make cutesy remarks like "are you not driiiinking tonight??"). with military precision i have managed to render my simple-pleasures-hubby impotent for the first time in seven years...or...well... ever. i guess, "DO IT NOW" is not that much of a turn on....unless i am Ulga of the Tundra...but i lost that wig and walking stick. on the bright side i have a feeling tonight might just be the night...huzzah hot hubby!
We had an organizational consultant come in and re-do our closets. hubby spent most of the time drinking beers and staring down her low cut shirt. i, however, managed to only stare down her low cut shirt. in any case our closets are now martha stewart ready. and i feel that my OCD has been acutely satisfied. I realized just how obsessive I am about clutter and hoarding. i'd throw out lil peanut's baby book if it took up too much room. and that is because i am an obsessive compulsive erotic suburban mom.
(hubby's closet)
finally, i have decided that i was adopted. consider the evidence, mon frere:
Monday, July 28, 2008
mad men
i have read and heard numerous reviews all raving about AMC's new series Mad Men. while i have not yet seen the show, i can't help but chuckle at the now historic stereotypical role of the "ad man" in the 50s/60s. specifically, the show "depicts authentically the roles of men and women in this era while exploring the true human nature beneath the guise of 1960s traditional family values."
fortunately for us "ad women" much has changed since then. and yet, in many pockets of the corporate world, much has not (duh, i guess). for example one of my clients is a large ecommerce company. when i started on the account i was brought in to meet all the key players. here's how that first meeting went down:
as i entered the offices, i was quickly greeted at the reception area by a chesty young girl with a perma-frown who offered me coffee while i waited (and she made it very clear I was not to leave the seated area to find my meeting -- "oh, you can't go back there!").
little miss muffet informed me that the ceo, xxrry (all the C-types names there end with "rry" which is creepy to begin with), is not quite ready for me. ok, no big deal there, but i did start to feel i was on the set of 'the office' only it lacked any sort humor. so i felt obliged to help myself to 15 jolly ranchers sitting in a bowl beside me while i waited (and a couple tootsie rolls, but who's counting really).
i was eventually "allowed" to go back to the main offices and head to the door at the end of the hall where xxrry's office was located (corner and all). as i entered the main room, i felt overwhelmingly uninspired. not only did all of the conference rooms i passed have kitchsy corporate monikers on the door like "teamwork", "respect", and "customer value", but the fluorescent lighting did not shield the dingy cubes that made up the interior of the space. the walls were lined with windowed offices, all of which had male names on the door (about 10 offices, and not one woman). all of the cubes housed women whom were the admins for each of these men (cue "working girl" music).
i approached the ceo's closed door office and was stopped by his admin, a beautiful and, yes chesty woman with a perma-frown, who asked me all sorts of movie script-type questions, "do you have an appt. with my xxrry?" "is he aware you are coming?". really? this isn't LA Reid's office....i mean c'mon!!!
i was finally allowed in to meet with ceo xxrry. (keep in mind this is an ecommerce company that peddles web site design/hosting services...this is not TRUMP!). ceo xxrry directed me to sit in a seat across from him and promptly leaned back in his chair and put is feet on his desk. lounging and smug, he began firing off questions to me:
him: "where did you go to college?"
me: "didn't"
him: "what is you background"
me: "hookin'"
ok, so i answered a bit more truthfully than that, but damn if those answers weren't at the tip of my tongue. needless to say, i made no attempt at humor, and if anything did all i could to display my sheer lack of enthusiasm with his bravado (its a half smile, tilted head, eye thing i do).
once he seemed relatively satisfied with my answers he responded, "such an extensive background for someone who looks so young." sure, he could easily have said that to any fresh faced guy (ahem, yes, i did say "fresh-faced" playa hatahs). but it was the way he said it. it was the smirk. it was that fact that a line-up of chesty, florescent flooded women stood outside his office ready to jump at his beck and call.
upon the close of his meeting i half expected him to send me on my way, open up his personal bar to poor a glass of brandy for himself and his cfo (also present in the meeting), sit back and talk about my "assets".
fast forward 2 months and there i am negotiating payment of 800k they are withholding. i am in a board room ("teamwork", perhaps?), sitting across from 3 c-types, xxrry, xxrry, and xxrry. since i triumph when expectations of me are low, i kicked some c-level ass. when did it turn the corner? when it was somehow disclosed in the course of negotiations that i had a 2 year old son. there was a level of resepect(?) that came to the surface. or at least i percieved it as such -- was i now the madonna, the tough-as-nails working woman, or did they finally know how to categorize me which gave them some parameters? likely the latter. in retrospect it was more a sense of relief than respect.
in any case, what struck me in that meeting is that i felt like i was in a room scripted from the '50s. i could smell the insecurity. and, all i could do is be grateful i am not part of their perverse coporate construct....except in the fact that i can work hard to discount it. and keep stealing 20+ jolly ranchers everytime i show up.
fortunately for us "ad women" much has changed since then. and yet, in many pockets of the corporate world, much has not (duh, i guess). for example one of my clients is a large ecommerce company. when i started on the account i was brought in to meet all the key players. here's how that first meeting went down:
as i entered the offices, i was quickly greeted at the reception area by a chesty young girl with a perma-frown who offered me coffee while i waited (and she made it very clear I was not to leave the seated area to find my meeting -- "oh, you can't go back there!").
little miss muffet informed me that the ceo, xxrry (all the C-types names there end with "rry" which is creepy to begin with), is not quite ready for me. ok, no big deal there, but i did start to feel i was on the set of 'the office' only it lacked any sort humor. so i felt obliged to help myself to 15 jolly ranchers sitting in a bowl beside me while i waited (and a couple tootsie rolls, but who's counting really).
i was eventually "allowed" to go back to the main offices and head to the door at the end of the hall where xxrry's office was located (corner and all). as i entered the main room, i felt overwhelmingly uninspired. not only did all of the conference rooms i passed have kitchsy corporate monikers on the door like "teamwork", "respect", and "customer value", but the fluorescent lighting did not shield the dingy cubes that made up the interior of the space. the walls were lined with windowed offices, all of which had male names on the door (about 10 offices, and not one woman). all of the cubes housed women whom were the admins for each of these men (cue "working girl" music).
i approached the ceo's closed door office and was stopped by his admin, a beautiful and, yes chesty woman with a perma-frown, who asked me all sorts of movie script-type questions, "do you have an appt. with my xxrry?" "is he aware you are coming?". really? this isn't LA Reid's office....i mean c'mon!!!
i was finally allowed in to meet with ceo xxrry. (keep in mind this is an ecommerce company that peddles web site design/hosting services...this is not TRUMP!). ceo xxrry directed me to sit in a seat across from him and promptly leaned back in his chair and put is feet on his desk. lounging and smug, he began firing off questions to me:
him: "where did you go to college?"
me: "didn't"
him: "what is you background"
me: "hookin'"
ok, so i answered a bit more truthfully than that, but damn if those answers weren't at the tip of my tongue. needless to say, i made no attempt at humor, and if anything did all i could to display my sheer lack of enthusiasm with his bravado (its a half smile, tilted head, eye thing i do).
once he seemed relatively satisfied with my answers he responded, "such an extensive background for someone who looks so young." sure, he could easily have said that to any fresh faced guy (ahem, yes, i did say "fresh-faced" playa hatahs). but it was the way he said it. it was the smirk. it was that fact that a line-up of chesty, florescent flooded women stood outside his office ready to jump at his beck and call.
upon the close of his meeting i half expected him to send me on my way, open up his personal bar to poor a glass of brandy for himself and his cfo (also present in the meeting), sit back and talk about my "assets".
fast forward 2 months and there i am negotiating payment of 800k they are withholding. i am in a board room ("teamwork", perhaps?), sitting across from 3 c-types, xxrry, xxrry, and xxrry. since i triumph when expectations of me are low, i kicked some c-level ass. when did it turn the corner? when it was somehow disclosed in the course of negotiations that i had a 2 year old son. there was a level of resepect(?) that came to the surface. or at least i percieved it as such -- was i now the madonna, the tough-as-nails working woman, or did they finally know how to categorize me which gave them some parameters? likely the latter. in retrospect it was more a sense of relief than respect.
in any case, what struck me in that meeting is that i felt like i was in a room scripted from the '50s. i could smell the insecurity. and, all i could do is be grateful i am not part of their perverse coporate construct....except in the fact that i can work hard to discount it. and keep stealing 20+ jolly ranchers everytime i show up.
Monday, July 21, 2008
on a lighter note
is anything better than 3/4 cookie crisp cereal with 1/4 cold whole milk when you have a hankering for something sweet, but not too sweet and something filling but not too filling? damn. that's good.
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